Rock out with your sock out

As sad and scary as this video is, it still inexplicably makes me jealous. This is some ill-conceived press event at the Virgin Megastore in NY, promoting the Virgin Festival, where the Red Hot Chili Peppers are playing. So they rounded up a bunch of mostly unattractive dudes and got them to do some very awkward gyrating wearing only gym socks (a la Chili Peppers). It's all kind of creepy. Apparently the black guy felt so uncomfortable with it he elected to keep his shorts on, with a token sock draped in front.

It's embarassing to admit that I would even want the option of doing this. But it's amazing what can become appealing when the option is unattainable. No cock = no sock. I was never that crazy about the Chili Peppers as a band, but I confess that when they first pulled this (literally) balls-out stunt back in the '80s, I was jealous then too - and that was when I was still a girl and not really thinking about transitioning. It was like they were flaunting their masculinity, but in a way that was so stupid you couldn't really take it seriously. They were just being a bunch of dumb white punks, like the Beastie Boys.

BTW, the Chili Peppers are kind of dicks for real, from what I've heard. My old housemate waited on them in a restaurant in SF back in the '90s. They called her over to the table and told her she had "a funky rack of doom." Nice, fellas. Hope you left a decent tip.

So *that's* what's missing...

Thank god, now I know what my real problem is. It's not that I don't have a penis, it's that I don't have a gas-guzzling, road-hogging urban assault vehicle. Seriously.

Last night I was at the gym (pretty much the only place I watch TV) and I saw this new commercial for Hummers. So this guy is checking out at the supermarket and buying a hunk of tofu, and he looks back and sees the guy standing behind him is buying huge chunks of bloody steak, racks of ribs, etc. This makes him feel like a candy ass tofu-eating wussy. Then an H3 ad on the magazine rack catches his eye, and he sees his salvation. Cut to tofu-boy at the Hummer dealer, getting the keys and driving off in an armored behemoth, his masculinity redeemed. Final screen: "Reclaim Your Manhood."

Wow. I'm so glad I caught that ad. Now I won't waste thousands of dollars on a phalloplasty - I can just plunk it down for an H3. This spot is so ridiculous I don't even know where to start...I mean, who is this ad targeting? Are vegans a big H3-buying demographic? And as someone posting on Craigslist pointed out, basically what this ad is doing is affirming what everybody knows: guys who own Hummers are broadcasting their inadequacy. I mean, does anyone want to admit that they drive a Hummer because otherwise they feel they have no balls? How could you watch this ad, then walk into a Hummer dealership without feeling like you were being snickered at: "Cool. Here comes another one of those dickless, Gardenburger-eating pansies. Easy sale."

Anyway, here's a link to my favorite Hummer site FUH2, which features photos of people flipping off H2s.