Postponing the inevitable: Part 1

Thanks to hormones, I no longer have to put up with PMS and periods and feminine hygiene products, but I still have my girl parts down there. Therefore I am compelled to go in and get my internal junk checked every once in a while for routine maintenance, and there's only one way to do that. Pelvic exams are one of the suckiest things about being a woman. (Yeah, I know bio-guys have to deal with a finger-up-the-butt poking their prostate, but really, that's not the same as being splayed out with your feet up in stirrups, with a pair of kitchen tongs opened up inside you, getting your innards jabbed with an oversized Q-tip.) Even if you have a great OBGYN who's gentle and caring and warms the speculum first, it's gonna be unpleasant and uncomfortable. So you can imagine how I feel about them since I switched genders. I mean, nobody likes pelvics (except hardcore medical fetishists) so you gotta understand why I would have a teeny bit of resentment and trepidation about this procedure.

I've been putting off getting a gynecological exam for a while (OK, way too long, my last one was at least 4 years ago...I think, maybe I've had one since then and blocked it out, but it's been at least a few years). Mostly it's been because I haven't wanted to go through the physical ordeal. The doctor that I've been going to for my T prescription is trans herself, and she did my last pelvic exam, so there would be no extra awkwardness there, at least because of the trans thing.

But also I've been putting it off because I have this dilemma. If I go to the trans doc, I pay out of pocket. But I already have Kaiser coverage (which I also pay for out of pocket), and Kaiser is supposed to have a trans-friendly policy and at least some trans-friendly doctors. So financially and otherwise it doesn't make that much sense not to get all my healthcare through Kaiser (including T - they cover hormones but not surgeries). I just haven't had the 'nads (or ovaries, or whatever) to call them up and say (in a male voice), "Hi, this is [guy's name] I need to schedule a gynecological exam." And I've been too lazy to set up an appointment to see a Kaiser doc to get a T script. It's stupid, really, because the worst that can happen is that I have a weird phone interaction and maybe an uncomfortable (or more uncomfortable than usual) office visit. Some people can't even get healthcare because they're transsexual; it's not like Kaiser's going to deny me service. Jesus, for what I pay per month, they better not.

Anyway, I finally decided to deal with it, and set up some appointments with Kaiser. But first (because I think about things too much) I had to figure out how to do it in the least problematic way possible. Would I have to go through the OBGYN department? How weird would that be? Could I just get a pelvic exam through my primary care doctor? Would that be less weird? It would be kind of weird to be the only guy in the OBGYN area. Should I just do it for the heck of it to see what would happen? No, I don't think I'm up to that. It took some hunting around online to figure out that, yes, you can just go to your primary care doctor for a pelvic. So I settled on that option. And that's good because while I'm there I can just ask her about getting a T script.

Next step: calling for the appointment. I don't know why I freaked out about this so much. I've had to deal with all kinds of potentially awkward situations where I very matter-of-factly explained to people that I was trans, I used to be a woman, etc. But rather than getting easier over time, it's getting harder. Maybe because those situations come up less often now. Maybe because I'm so used to people seeing me as "just another guy" that it's more uncomfortable to have them see me as something other than that. Anyway, I was very nervous about it, so when the woman asked me what the appointment was for, I tried to head off any misunderstanding in what I thought was a jokey way, but I think it just came off as defensive:
Kaiser Lady: And what do you need to see her for?
Me: Ah, um...I'm just going to tell you something first so you don't think I'm a crank caller or anything...I'm transsexual and I used to be a woman, so, uh, I need to go in for a routine gynecological exam.
Kaiser Lady: Oh, OK, no problem, let me just see what she has...(pause) How long has it been?
Me: Uh, about four years I guess.
Kaiser Lady: So, how's it been going for you?
Me: Oh, you mean how long have I been in transition? I thought you meant how long since my last exam. Uh, it's been going great. (Except for when I freak out and get defensive.)
Kaiser lady: That's good. How about 10:00 a.m. on the 7th?

See, I had nothing to worry about. Actually, everybody that I've dealt with at Kaiser has been really professional and courteous when it's come up, although I think one doctor was confused and thought I was an MTF. I think Kaiser now trains employees to be aware of this stuff. Her question kind of threw me off, though. Of course, given the context, I heard it as a medical question, but it seems like once you bring such a personal issue into the exchange, people's boundaries get a little fuzzy, and even though they're trying to be nice, it can be weird. Like when I called up their member services to get the F on my records changed to M, the guy I was talking to started telling me that he had a close friend who was an MTF, and if more people were true to themselves the world would be a better place. I know he meant well, but where did that come from? He sounded nervous as hell...maybe it was his first day and his supervisor was listening.

So far, Kaiser has been cool. However, they are a huge HMO, and that means I have to wait a month until I can see that doctor. And I have to get my T script refilled before then. Which means I have to go out to the trans doctor's office in Bumfuck, South County, and pay out of pocket for the appointment. I called to schedule and the person on the phone was kind of short. Everybody in the office knows that this doctor sees a lot of trans patients, most of the staff are cool, but some of them seem uncomfortable with it. She asks me what the appointment is for and I start to say, "Just a regular check-in for horm-" "OK, hang on while I check the schedule." Before I can even get the second syllable out, she cuts me off. I mean, she totally interrupted me, like she didn't even want to hear the word. I'm probably just projecting and she just had other calls to get. Who knows what's going on there. One thing being trans has taught me is not to take things personally. I still do sometimes, but it bothers me less.

I expected things to be awkward at Kaiser, and the lady was totally nice. The lady at the trans doc, not so much. Just goes to show you can never know what to expect, and you can't make assumptions about how people will react.

Next month I'll let you know what was more uncomfortable - making an appointment for a pelvic exam, or actually getting one.