So *that's* what's missing...

Thank god, now I know what my real problem is. It's not that I don't have a penis, it's that I don't have a gas-guzzling, road-hogging urban assault vehicle. Seriously.

Last night I was at the gym (pretty much the only place I watch TV) and I saw this new commercial for Hummers. So this guy is checking out at the supermarket and buying a hunk of tofu, and he looks back and sees the guy standing behind him is buying huge chunks of bloody steak, racks of ribs, etc. This makes him feel like a candy ass tofu-eating wussy. Then an H3 ad on the magazine rack catches his eye, and he sees his salvation. Cut to tofu-boy at the Hummer dealer, getting the keys and driving off in an armored behemoth, his masculinity redeemed. Final screen: "Reclaim Your Manhood."

Wow. I'm so glad I caught that ad. Now I won't waste thousands of dollars on a phalloplasty - I can just plunk it down for an H3. This spot is so ridiculous I don't even know where to start...I mean, who is this ad targeting? Are vegans a big H3-buying demographic? And as someone posting on Craigslist pointed out, basically what this ad is doing is affirming what everybody knows: guys who own Hummers are broadcasting their inadequacy. I mean, does anyone want to admit that they drive a Hummer because otherwise they feel they have no balls? How could you watch this ad, then walk into a Hummer dealership without feeling like you were being snickered at: "Cool. Here comes another one of those dickless, Gardenburger-eating pansies. Easy sale."

Anyway, here's a link to my favorite Hummer site FUH2, which features photos of people flipping off H2s.