Postponing the inevitable: Part 2

So, I had my, uh, exam last week. The one that I was dreading and have been putting off for like, four or five years. The pelvic. And yeah, I think calling to make the appointment was more nerve wracking than the actual appointment itself, although that wasn't much fun either.

I get there and I check in at the front desk and I expected to get a funny look because the computer would say I was there for an annual Pap test. But no, it just said I was there for a physical...or else the lady didn't look at it that carefully.

I get called back to the doctor's office (this is not the OB/GYN dept., just a regular doctors' suite) and escorted to an exam room, and the assistant asks me, "So, what're you here for today?" I figured she'd already have seen it on my chart, but I tell her I'm there for a physical. I would have left it at that, but I knew she had to get the stuff out and set the room up, so I say, "...and an annual Pap." She just gave me a look like, "You're joking, right? And that's not a very funny joke. "

But she didn't say anything. She was just looking at me. So I said, "Well, I know you don't get a lot of guys in here for that, but I'm an FTM." I guess she knew what that meant, because she was just like, "Oh, OK," and started getting out the stuff for the test. I think she was a little flustered but she got her composure back pretty quickly. I always wonder what's going through people's heads at a moment like that.

The nurse practitioner I saw was very cool. I found out about her from some other FTM patients that she sees. She did all the other business first, medical history, listening to my chest, etc., and then it was time for the main event. Put your feet up in the stirrups, scoot down to the end of the table...same old drill. It was uncomfortable, but not too bad and she got it over with pretty quickly. I didn't feel as violated as I usually do after something like that. The most humiliating thing was having to wear the dorky exam gown they give you.

I guess it was weird having someone poking around down there and talking about my labia or my cervix or whatever. I don't even think about it in those terms anymore. I mean, I know what's down there, but it seems kind of abstract or...foreign, I guess. Having someone else looking at it and talking about it kind of forced me to acknowledge, oh, yeah, I do still have a vagina and all those other parts.

Aside from that, and the minor discomfort it really wasn't so bad after all, and I got it over with for the next year or two. Or so I thought. I just got an email from her saying that the results were inconclusive because there were an inadequate number of cells in the sample, so they'd have to do another one. Which means I get to go through this whole process again, from making the phone call to riding in the stirrups.

Fantastic. I'll keep you posted.

Pain in the ass

So, I've been having pain in my hip joints and low back lately, and of more concern, in my lower pelvic abdominal area, in my, um, ovarian region. I've had a pelvic ultrasound before and would really not like to repeat the experience, so I set out to find a non-gynecological cause for the pain.

With a little online research and a trip to my massage therapist, I determined the trouble was my ass. My ass is too tight. I've developed this habit of constantly tensing my gluteal muscles, especially when I stand or walk. The pelvic pain is referred from muscle trigger points. In other words, I need to unclench.

I thought about why I would hold my body in this posture when it was really kind of tiring and uncomfortable. What happens when you stand this way is that your feet turn out a bit and your pelvis is thrust forward. Your walk becomes a stiffened swagger, like John Wayne when he's just gotten off his horse.

When I was early on in my transition, and not sure if I was passing all the time, I read some tips on how to use male body language. Somewhere I read that men tend to let their pelvis lead when they walk. Makes sense. And even if you don't have a dick, if you wear a packer your attention automatically shifts to your crotch. So I've been standing and walking to push my package forward and make it more prominent.

I realized I also do it to make the lines of my body more masculine. Most of my body fat has redistributed into a male pattern, and I've lost a lot of weight, but there's still a little extra hanging around my hips. If I clench, it makes the lines of my body more angular and minimizes my hips.

I'm sure you could also read something into this about embodying rigid stereotypes of masculinity.

Anyway, my resolution for the new year is to loosen up. And try not to care if my ass looks a little wider. It's OK, I've already come to terms with the fact that I'll never look good in skinny jeans, and it's not breaking my heart.

Postponing the inevitable: Part 1

Thanks to hormones, I no longer have to put up with PMS and periods and feminine hygiene products, but I still have my girl parts down there. Therefore I am compelled to go in and get my internal junk checked every once in a while for routine maintenance, and there's only one way to do that. Pelvic exams are one of the suckiest things about being a woman. (Yeah, I know bio-guys have to deal with a finger-up-the-butt poking their prostate, but really, that's not the same as being splayed out with your feet up in stirrups, with a pair of kitchen tongs opened up inside you, getting your innards jabbed with an oversized Q-tip.) Even if you have a great OBGYN who's gentle and caring and warms the speculum first, it's gonna be unpleasant and uncomfortable. So you can imagine how I feel about them since I switched genders. I mean, nobody likes pelvics (except hardcore medical fetishists) so you gotta understand why I would have a teeny bit of resentment and trepidation about this procedure.

I've been putting off getting a gynecological exam for a while (OK, way too long, my last one was at least 4 years ago...I think, maybe I've had one since then and blocked it out, but it's been at least a few years). Mostly it's been because I haven't wanted to go through the physical ordeal. The doctor that I've been going to for my T prescription is trans herself, and she did my last pelvic exam, so there would be no extra awkwardness there, at least because of the trans thing.

But also I've been putting it off because I have this dilemma. If I go to the trans doc, I pay out of pocket. But I already have Kaiser coverage (which I also pay for out of pocket), and Kaiser is supposed to have a trans-friendly policy and at least some trans-friendly doctors. So financially and otherwise it doesn't make that much sense not to get all my healthcare through Kaiser (including T - they cover hormones but not surgeries). I just haven't had the 'nads (or ovaries, or whatever) to call them up and say (in a male voice), "Hi, this is [guy's name] I need to schedule a gynecological exam." And I've been too lazy to set up an appointment to see a Kaiser doc to get a T script. It's stupid, really, because the worst that can happen is that I have a weird phone interaction and maybe an uncomfortable (or more uncomfortable than usual) office visit. Some people can't even get healthcare because they're transsexual; it's not like Kaiser's going to deny me service. Jesus, for what I pay per month, they better not.

Anyway, I finally decided to deal with it, and set up some appointments with Kaiser. But first (because I think about things too much) I had to figure out how to do it in the least problematic way possible. Would I have to go through the OBGYN department? How weird would that be? Could I just get a pelvic exam through my primary care doctor? Would that be less weird? It would be kind of weird to be the only guy in the OBGYN area. Should I just do it for the heck of it to see what would happen? No, I don't think I'm up to that. It took some hunting around online to figure out that, yes, you can just go to your primary care doctor for a pelvic. So I settled on that option. And that's good because while I'm there I can just ask her about getting a T script.

Next step: calling for the appointment. I don't know why I freaked out about this so much. I've had to deal with all kinds of potentially awkward situations where I very matter-of-factly explained to people that I was trans, I used to be a woman, etc. But rather than getting easier over time, it's getting harder. Maybe because those situations come up less often now. Maybe because I'm so used to people seeing me as "just another guy" that it's more uncomfortable to have them see me as something other than that. Anyway, I was very nervous about it, so when the woman asked me what the appointment was for, I tried to head off any misunderstanding in what I thought was a jokey way, but I think it just came off as defensive:
Kaiser Lady: And what do you need to see her for?
Me: Ah, um...I'm just going to tell you something first so you don't think I'm a crank caller or anything...I'm transsexual and I used to be a woman, so, uh, I need to go in for a routine gynecological exam.
Kaiser Lady: Oh, OK, no problem, let me just see what she has...(pause) How long has it been?
Me: Uh, about four years I guess.
Kaiser Lady: So, how's it been going for you?
Me: Oh, you mean how long have I been in transition? I thought you meant how long since my last exam. Uh, it's been going great. (Except for when I freak out and get defensive.)
Kaiser lady: That's good. How about 10:00 a.m. on the 7th?

See, I had nothing to worry about. Actually, everybody that I've dealt with at Kaiser has been really professional and courteous when it's come up, although I think one doctor was confused and thought I was an MTF. I think Kaiser now trains employees to be aware of this stuff. Her question kind of threw me off, though. Of course, given the context, I heard it as a medical question, but it seems like once you bring such a personal issue into the exchange, people's boundaries get a little fuzzy, and even though they're trying to be nice, it can be weird. Like when I called up their member services to get the F on my records changed to M, the guy I was talking to started telling me that he had a close friend who was an MTF, and if more people were true to themselves the world would be a better place. I know he meant well, but where did that come from? He sounded nervous as hell...maybe it was his first day and his supervisor was listening.

So far, Kaiser has been cool. However, they are a huge HMO, and that means I have to wait a month until I can see that doctor. And I have to get my T script refilled before then. Which means I have to go out to the trans doctor's office in Bumfuck, South County, and pay out of pocket for the appointment. I called to schedule and the person on the phone was kind of short. Everybody in the office knows that this doctor sees a lot of trans patients, most of the staff are cool, but some of them seem uncomfortable with it. She asks me what the appointment is for and I start to say, "Just a regular check-in for horm-" "OK, hang on while I check the schedule." Before I can even get the second syllable out, she cuts me off. I mean, she totally interrupted me, like she didn't even want to hear the word. I'm probably just projecting and she just had other calls to get. Who knows what's going on there. One thing being trans has taught me is not to take things personally. I still do sometimes, but it bothers me less.

I expected things to be awkward at Kaiser, and the lady was totally nice. The lady at the trans doc, not so much. Just goes to show you can never know what to expect, and you can't make assumptions about how people will react.

Next month I'll let you know what was more uncomfortable - making an appointment for a pelvic exam, or actually getting one.

Dude, I'll take that if you're not gonna use it...

The world's first ever penis transplant has failed.

When I read the headline,"Man rejects first penis transplant," I immediately thought, "Oh, his body rejected the donor tissue and it fell off." Noooo. It was doing just fine. He asked his doctors to *cut it off*. He couldn't deal with having another guy's (OK, a dead guy's) dong between his legs. I guess it was weirding out his wife, too.

Although the operation was a surgical success, surgeons said they had to remove the penis two weeks later. "Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off," Dr Hu said. An examination of the organ showed no signs of it being rejected by the body.

Dude, do you have any idea how many transmen would have killed for a shot at a penis transplant?

Well, to be honest, I don't know how many FTMs would be comfortable with having that sort of frankencock either, but the topic of transplants (and growing dicks from stem cells) does come up in the FTM chat groups from time to time. It raises an interesting question: if doctors can now do penis transplants for bio men with mutilated genitals (this guy's peter was messed up in an accident), would they consider performing the procedure for transmen instead of cosmetically constructing a phallus? It doesn't seem like there's any reason it wouldn't be possible. And theoretically it might be easier for a transman to adapt psychologically to having someone else's penis down there, since he'd never had his own to form an attachment to.

Would I sign up to be on the donor recipient list? Ehh, I'm pretty leery of genital surgery in general, since it seems like there's so much that could potentially go wrong. So I'd say no. But damn, the idea of having a "real" dick (even if it's not fully functional) is pretty tempting.

Rules of evacuation

More men's room etiquette, this time in the form of a Sims-based machinima animation. It's a little long but has some funny parts.

It reminded me of the time I committed a severe men's room faux pas by speaking to my then-girlfriend's boss while in the john at their office. I had just walked out of a stall and he was washing his lunch dishes at the sink. I was still pretty new to the men's restroom rules, and I knew him, so I figured it was no big deal to say hi. Wrong. He quickly set me straight. He was polite about it, and he knew I was trans, so he probably cut me some slack. But he made sure to mention the fact that men never, *ever* engage in conversation while in the bathroom.

I've since learned this rule isn't totally written in stone, as I've overheard several men's room conversations in the past few years (mostly at colleges or in bars).

Cell phone conversations carried on in public bathrooms are another matter entirely. To me, that seems so much more wrong, for so many reasons.

Me, overcompensate?

Most of the other transguys that I know personally are pretty mellow and don't seem overly aggressive or insecure about their masculinity. Online, I've encountered some FTMs who are just total jacked-up pricks and are very combatative and argumentative. Were they like that before transitioning and the testosterone just made it worse? Do they have a "short guy" Napoleon complex? (I'm 5'9", so I don't.) Maybe they're reveling in the fact that they simply *can* be a dick, and are no longer expected, as a woman, to be nice and avoid conflict. The most obvious and reductivist interpretation is that they're defensive about their masculinity and compensating for their lack of a standard issue phallus and cojones, and I don't believe it's that simple.

However, I have to admit that sometimes I find myself trying to prove my masculinity a little harder than I really need to. This weekend (appropos of my last post) I got in an online pissing match with a guy over an eBay item. Dumb, I know, but he challenged me and I felt like I had to defend myself. After it was resolved, I couldn't bring myself to say anything remotely apologetic to the guy because I didn't want to seem like I was backing down.

Then the other night I was at a party and some people started arm wrestling. At first the matches were all girls against girls, because the party was mostly queer women, with about a dozen trans guys and maybe two bio guys. I guess I wanted to show off, but it didn't seem right to challenge a woman. So I challenged the bigger of the bio guys. Yeah, smart move. We were deadlocked in the first round for several minutes until I called a draw. Then we switched to left arms and he flattened me and just about dislocated my shoulder in the process.

I don't think I impressed anybody with my studly display, although one woman looking on commented that she could feel her testosterone levels rising vicariously. And I've never gone in for that "Fight Club" mano-a-mano B.S. But it was kind of a rush. And I've been hitting the gym harder than ever since then, to the point of further injuring myself.

The thing is, you can build yourself up as much as you want, and you can puff your chest out as much as you want, but there's always going to be somebody who's bigger and stronger than you. And there's always going to be someone with a bigger dick, literally or figuratively. In either case, you've just got to try to do the best you can with what you've got.

Pissing match

OK, I'm just going to go with the urinary theme...this online poker commercial is my worst nightmare, or ultimate bathroom fantasy scenario, depending. No, that's not as gay as it sounds. Or it's only as gay as this video.

Seriously, though, do guys try to out-piss each other in public like this? I guess they do, because I just found this excellent and very revealing post on "urinal politics" by Roland Couture:

My theory here, is that the question of male dominance is being played out in those urinals. "Territorial pissing" and "pissing match" are no empty phrases. All sorts of animals piss to mark their territory. Why canst thou not relax and let fly thy mighty arcing stream of urine, when there's a guy standing at the next urinal? Because he is basically right there all up in your space, and perhaps, unconsciously, a threat to you. The sphincter muscle in your urethra is cinched-up tight! Meanwhile, why doth his urine fly strong and true to its porcelain vessel? Because he is relaxed, and this is because you are no threat to him. He gets to piss freely; you, on the other hand, cannot, and must wait. You just lost the struggle for dominance, buddy!

Well, I might be full of it, but it's fun to play it like a game that way. Ha ha, I pissed and you didn't! I win!

Well, I guess that puts my shy bladder problem into perspective. Actually, I have surreptitiously witnessed this phenomenon while washing my hands and other guys are using the urinals.

He doesn't even mention guys who use the stalls to piss. I guess we're so low that we're not even anywhere in the alpha male/beta male hierarchy. Probably just as well. I've never had much desire to prove myself in pissing matches, literal or otherwise.

Bad bathrooms, again

I hate to seem fixated on toilets, but what can I say? When you don't have standard plumbing for your gender and you have to use public facilities, it's always going to be an issue.

Previously I wrote about standing to pee in men's room stalls. Those of you who use men's rooms know that the condition of the toilets is often less than pristine. But given the difficulty and risks of using a urinal sans penis, I put up with the grossness so I can do my bidness in private. Tonight (on campus) I encountered a mess that even I couldn't face.

In this sort of situation, if you're lucky, there will be another, cleaner stall you can resort to. But in many men's rooms you don't have a choice; there's just the one stall. You can either clean it up, hunt down a more decent bathroom, or take your chances at a urinal, if you've got the right equipment with you.

I chose the latter option, which I rarely do. As I explained in my previous post, it's awkward and I don't want to take the chance of getting spotted with a length of rubber tubing hanging out of my fly. Usually I only piss in a urinal for kicks if the bathroom is one where I can lock the door. But the urinals in this bathroom had serious dividers between them - so high and wide that you would really have to crane your neck to see your neighbor's package.

Urinals are badly designed. Can I just say that? These were the kind that go all the way down to the floor and I don't see how guys piss in them without getting splashback all over their shoes and cuffs. Gross.

Anyway, because I was uncomfortable, it took forever for me to get a flow going, and during that interval I figured someone was sure to walk in. But I was undisturbed. Nevertheless, because of the awkwardness and not being able to drop my shorts, I had a little spillage inside my briefs (I hate it when that happens). Nothing major, fortunately, just a small wet spot I had to endure for a couple of hours.

Geez. Pissing shouldn't be such an ordeal. I really wish that someone would design a stand-to-pee device that actually works.